Semester Take Away

What to say about the semester…

I have had mixed feelings about this class. This class was my favorite class I took this semester but there were a few ups and downs that took the gleam off for me.

Up

The first class was exactly what I was hoping for. I don’t know why I was so stoked (do people still say stoked?) to be doing the assignments and I had hoped others in the class would expend the same amount of energy on the projects and in class discussions as I had hoped.

Down

I was a fool to expect others to have the same work ethic as me. It makes me feel old when I think about how most of the people in class were ten or more years younger than me. And yet with just ten years difference there seemed to be a world of difference in drive and desire to get as much as possible from class. I’m not talking about the “art therapy” portion, but rather, the learning new techniques to approach assignments or jobs. There was a lot of surface skimming, not a lot of getting past the clique to the really creative stuff.

Up

The taste of cumquat sounds and feels like… a fun approach to a problem. I tried so hard to go past the assignments as I could. I could have just done something for the texture, or just something for the audio. But trying to take the visual out completely and focusing on both the touch and sound made me happy. I was so very proud of that project. And yet I hardly got any feedback from it. I was disappointed. Pride cometh before the fall…

Down

I failed at the round robin. That’s the only way I can describe it. I failed. I failed at time management. I failed at proper research. I failed myself. But it didn’t kill me to fail so that was good. And because I failed so hard, I was able to attempt it again for the fear assignment. And I felt like I won that time. I’m glad I didn’t do what I had planned on doing for the fear assignment. I love to sing even though I’m pretty sure I suck at it. I was going to sing my favorite song in class and volunteer to sing a solo in church. Because my fear was altered due to unforeseen circumstances…I was spared the torture of failing in front of a lot of people at something that gives me such pleasure.

Up

I loved my bible dipping project. I loved how I approached it. Doing “research” and rejecting the normal definition of ‘reuse’ gave me a new approach to addressing a problem. That my friends is what I was hoping to get out of the semester.

Down

I was very disappointed with the passing of the torch…even before Beth broke her ankle. I have been in several classes where curriculum changes so drastically that lessons are missed. For instance, in grade school, my class never learned geography (and I do mean never. I never had a lesson on states or capitals. And I sure as hell never learned where the other countries are located.) The curriculum had changed so much between years that lessons were never given. This trend has continued in my high school and college education. I always get in the class that things go wrong, get changed up, or a new approach is being tested. It drives me nuts. I get to feeling jipped. That is how I felt…jipped.

Up

The summer is here and I’m going to take a nap.

I do want to say thank you.

Thank you for all the fun projects.

Thank you for creating this class.

Thank you

The Final Take Away

This last class was just another class it seemed. There were some good projects…some last minute projects…my project that didn’t turn out as well as I had planned in my head. I loved the puzzle, because all butts are great. I also liked the sketch book turned glitter bomb book. But I want to get back to ….

All Butts are Great

My insecurities make me feel like skinny people are judging me for being overweight. I could never know what someone else thinks about me or other “big kids.” But I project my judgement of myself onto the others. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin so how could anyone else be comfortable looking at me? But when I heard “all butts are great” coming from someone who does not look like she’s ever struggled with her weight, it makes me realize, I’m probably a harsher judge of myself than others are of me. People have their own problems and probably don’t give me a single thought.

Other than that…

I really enjoyed Eric’s capstone project. It really struck a chord with me. My mom is battling cancer and has been for 10 years. People are always asking how she’s doing, how I’m doing, how the family’s doing… and it is very easy to get annoyed with the question. But in taking a moment to think that others might be uncomfortable and yet genuinly concerned… it would make the annoyance seem less important.

Altered Book of Me

I have been very excited about the “altered book” assignment. I have spent way too much time focused on how I was going to execute the ideas rolling in my mind. I should probably start at the beginning.

The Book

The book that represents a part of me that I do not like was Idiot’s Guide to Personal Finance. I chose this book because even though I know how to save money and make good decisions, I do the opposite. I am continually broke and my bills keep increasing. I’m a financial failure. I admit it.

The Concept

During the “50 What if…’s” assignment I fell in love with the idea of burning my book and sending the ashes to have a diamond made. It would have only cost me $3000 (see why I’m a financial idiot?) But I don’t have $3000 at the moment so I had to forgo that option.

The other idea I had that really resonated with me was to make a Mӧbius strip with my book. I had originally thought about taking the pages and making a paper machete Mӧbius strip. But that seemed uninspired and not terribly creative.  I kept thinking about the diamond idea. It led to the decision to make a pendant in the shape of the Mӧbius strip with the ashes casted in resin as a ball that rolls on the surface.

The Preparation

It should be said that this pendant has cost me quite a pretty penny. It wasn’t as expensive as the diamond but it wasn’t cheap. I purchased silver sheets, two part resin, silicon mold, silver solder, a blow torch…and other paraphernalia. I watched videos and tutorials until I felt like I was an expert myself… that was a lie.

The Failures

It's amazing to me how even with all the preparation and effort I put into learning how to accomplish my proposed project, it all falls to shit. It just goes to show that the best laid plans to not guarantee success.

I have a beautiful silver pendant ready to be soldered. Unfortunately I decided to save a few dollars and bought a simple silver solder that said I wouldn’t need flux…they lied. I will have to revisit this silver pendant this summer because I really want it for my personal reasons. But because this failure, I had to reevaluate my approach.

The Rebound

In my reevaluation I realized I have in my possession what I need to create an interesting altered book. I have still burned my book and will be utilizing the ashes. But instead of making a small ball of resin to roll on the surface of the silver, the entire Mӧbius strip will be the ashes in the resin. I, again, am excited after the mortal blow to my confidence my previous failure dealt to my confidence.

The New Approach

The process was an eye opener and now I want to dabble more in silicon mold making. I used polymer clay to form the shape I wanted to cast my resin in. I am not a proficient sculptor so it has issues but I’m okay with it. I made a silicon mold from the baked clay. From there I mixed the two part resin, added the ashes (and some blue dye because I like blue.)

The Reason Behind It All

Why would a Mӧbius strip have meaning to me? Everything that I am, Everything I’ve seen, Everything I’ve done, and Everywhere I’ve been, it’s all a part of who I am and nothing can or will change it. I can pull inspiration from my past because it is a part of me. No matter how long it’s been it will always be a part of me. Live is not linear. Time is perceived that way but there really isn’t an end.

How I referenced our past assignments-

I have created a box (not very well) and on that box, I have doodled references to the assignments on the sides. The box is made of clear acrylic because I want to be able to share myself with others but I want to protect myself at the same time. There is no lid because I don’t want to be contained to a small space. I don’t want to be boxed away with preconceived notions of who or what I should be. I want to be able to escape those labels.

My final result was not as expected. It was flawed, just like me. There are pits and scars. There is some polish but the polish is spotty. Just like me.

ps. pictures will be added tonight. 

Second to Last Take Away

I find that I take a lot of notes during class. I have a horrible memory and by the time I get home, I have forgotten what I wanted to write in my take away. I took 6 ½ pages of notes today. I know I look down at my notebook to take notes, and I hope no one thinks I being rude or not paying attention to what anyone is saying. That being said, I noticed that there were a lot of people not paying attention to the presentations today. I find it rude that people would rather talk to each other, play on their phones, read a book, or work on homework while others were presenting their fear. I wonder why some seem to think it is not important to listen to their peers when they are presenting a project. I worry about this generation at times.

As For Today’s Fears

“If I’m not in total control, I lose my shit.”

How awesome was that one liner? I have been accused to be a control freak with OCD. I like things to be done correctly the first time and I don’t trust others to do it right. That being said, I do enjoy being surprised. As for Tory’s presentation, I loved the tornado she made. I was impressed that she had her family complete one also. To seal the things they can’t control within the tornado seemed to be a very therapeutic motion. Good on you, Victoria.

Freedom

I made a comment about the projection of fears tinting how we think others think about us and I stand by that comment. We all seem to think that other people judge us and find us lacking. But we have to remember that EVERYONE has insecurities and, most of the time, don’t think twice about us. It also can be explained by Daniel’s presentation last week, the way others react to us often is more about their own fears than about us.

Self-Discovery

Kennedy spoke about her self-discovery. I had to think about this a bit. I’m going to draw from my science background for this one. In any science field, when one makes a new discovery, the first thing we do is label it. What are we going to call it? What categories does it fit in? Is it plant, animal, mineral? Is it warm blooded or cold blooded? Is it a land, air, or sea creature? And the categorizing continues. These are all labels we assign to this new thing.

The same is done when we meet someone for the first time, we categorize them. Is this person a male or female? Tall or short? Nice or grumpy? Like me or not like me? Outgoing or shy? And the labeling continues until we have an understanding of who this new person is. If we only allow others to know the answer to one question, that is the only label we get. The more we allow others to know about us, the more complete the categorization process, the clearer picture we get about how that person fits in our lives.

On the flip side, because we fear the judgement and the potential pain this new person will inflict in our lives, we limit the amount of information we give them. We are judging them either worthy or unworthy of our true selves.  We make snap decisions about if someone is worthy of categorizing us based on first impressions. A lot of time we don’t take into account what is going on in their lives. We might think, “They are a jerk, I don’t want to give him/her a chance to know me and judge me.” But we don’t take into account that there might have been an event in their lives that put them in a retrospective mood that day. They might have been yelled at by a customer or co-worker for something that wasn’t their fault and are needing to step back to protect themselves from more hurt. Snap judgements….

Putting Forth the Effort

I was impressed by Kyle’s (with a C) effort. I think he truly understood the project and got a lot out of it. I made quite a few notes from his presentation. I liked that he recognized the first day that he knew his isolation from family and friends was only temporary so it didn’t feel real. That didn’t mean he didn’t have profound revelations during his project. He questioned if being with people defined who he was or if it was a result of who he was. He recognized that he could deal with sadness but not with frustration. He said he had higher anxiety about everyday things because he wasn’t able to share them with others. He said sometimes he was afraid because he felt like he should be afraid. He said he used a lot of escapes to make things less important. He said that no matter who he’s with or what he’s doing, there is always a reason to continue. He said light surrounds you even when you are trapped.

He said a lot of great things.

Finally Notes

When Jacob asked if we knew who he was and what he did, I realized it never thought about researching who was teaching me. Why haven’t I done this? I’m trusting my professors to teach me what I need to know to be a successful member of society. I should have been researching my professors long before now.

Take the Fear (and Apathy) Away

First off,

 I was very disappointed in this class. I was disappointed in the fact that this was just a regular class. All semester we have been talking about how the fear assignment was going to span multiple days, but instead it was rushed to get through as many people as possible. We were told those who wanted to go first would go first, those who wanted to go last would go last. Instead, we went around the circle like a normal class and it felt like just another assignment.

Secondly, 

it felt like a lot of the class treated this as just another assignment. There were a lot of “presentations” where there was not a tangible item or true presentation. It was just talking.

That being said,

 I did enjoy the presentations that had thought and work to it.

I found Alexander’s mask presentation interesting in that I would have found it easier being in a mask. My favorite job was working in a planetarium. I was in the dark and no one saw me, they just heard my voice. I have never had an easy time talking in front of people, but I LOVED leading planetarium shows especially with a full audience. But no one could see me so it was ok.

Daniel’s presentation about letting other people’s fears affect us was pretty interesting. I think we (and by we I mostly mean me…) don’t look past the action to find the cause of the action. But like Jacob said, bullying is a major action that is driven by fear. Instead of addressing the fear we address the action. Now there are people who are just mean.

I really enjoyed Jessica’s presentation and the idea behind her photoshoot. I, too, have been called a control freak (though I don’t think she used that phrase) and have a hard time relinquishing control. It’s hard when you know what you want and how you would do it, then watch others proceed differently with results that are not what you want. I especially liked that she did not see the result until class time. That was inspired.

Eric’s song was great. I was thinking about singing before my family implosion. I love to sing but I recently heard a recording of my voice and I realized I sound horrendous. I was going to address my fear of judgement by doing what I love yet know I suck at.

Ashley’s drawing was fantastic. It was fantastic because I feel the same way… I know I’m not a great drawer and I’m going to be disappointed in my effort, and won’t meet my personal high expectations. I need to take a page from Ashley and just do it.

I felt so bad for Brooke and her fear of her migraines. I only get migraines once every other month (usually) and I know my triggers. I know wine and the smell of artificial cinnamon will lead to excruciating pain. But to be limited in what I can do because it might trigger pain would be awful. I hope she finds relief soon :(

I was also disappointed in my project. I love the idea behind it. I just am sad that it turned out so big. I will be redoing it this summer and revising it so I can make a bracelet that I can actually wear. The one I made was so big it falls off my arm. I might be a big girl but I have delicate wrists.

I’m tired now and I’m calling this post quits.

Stay excellent my friends.

Fear

My Fear

I started my fear project concept thinking about my fear of the future. I mostly was afraid of what my career prospects were once I graduated. And while my project still applies to this anxiety, my focus morphed a bit. As I have stated in previous posts, my dad was put on life support and remained there for 8 days. We were told he had a 50/50 chance of coming home. This changed my focus in this fear assignment. I was afraid of loosing my dad. I have told my parents that they'd have to live forever because I refuse to accept that they will die someday. My dad is stubborn and likes to scare me. That being said my dad will live. He might have some long term damage, but he's still with us.

My Project

I was trying to come up with a physical project to manifest my fear. I remembered the poem by Walt Whitman, On the Beach at Night.

I kept seeing the line "The ravening clouds shall not long be victorious."

It will get better, we shall weather the storm and be stronger for it. Life continues no matter how dark we think things are. And the darkness will only last a short time.

For my project I wanted to create something that I could wear all the time to remind myself to not dwell in the negative. I read that line out loud, and printed the sound wave of my voice. I cut the sound wave into a strip of clay that was baked into a cuff bracelet shape. 

Instead of having a string tied around my wrist to remind myself, I have a beautiful cuff bracelet. 

The final result is not as I would have wanted. It's too big. But it is still beautiful. I shall be making a smaller one that I could really wear this weekend. 

1. Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? 

My fear is more of an anxiety.

2. In what ways to you notice fear in your life?

I notice fear in my daily life when I start to have self-doubt and I have a hard time making decisions.  I’m very indecisive because I can imagine all kinds of scenarios both good and bad.

3. What does fear keep you from experiencing?

My fears limit my interactions with others because I’m afraid I’m not worthy of friendship. I’m missing out on interesting opportunities because I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions.  

 4. What is the use of fear in your life?

I try to use it as a motivator. If I’m better, if I try harder, if I work more efficiently, if I am a better person, my fears will be for naught. I will have outwitted the demons that haunt me and I will have success.

5. How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity?

My fears effect my social life because I’m afraid of making a fool of myself or proving my inadequacies instead of merely feeling them. I’m my creativity, I think my fear is a positive. I’m able focus that feeling of inadequacies in order to make sure I’m confident in my work before I submit it. I don’t want to show a client, teacher, or peer something that I don’t feel is at least good. I’m afraid of that judgement and to avoid it I will work my tail off to find a new spin. I also want to take my fear of not adding up and it pushes me to “compete” with those around me. If my project is better than yours, I will not be judged so harshly.

6. What form does your fear take?

My fear manifests in a way that I envision worse case scenarios. It raises my blood pressure and propels me to do more…or to freeze up and stand alone.

7. How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it?

I think it makes me put my fear into perspective. If I can look at it from a standpoint of status, I can maybe put into perspective. Maybe I can minimize the fear by looking at it objectively. Trying to look in as a third person perspective I might be able to minimize the anxiety and maybe function more like a normal human being.

Finding Bliss

Obstacle 1 - My idea is stupid, not good enough, bad, or whatever adjective I want to use that day.

1.  What if I wrote the ideas down and put them aside for 24 hours before proceeding on them? 
2.  What if I put 3 ideas in a hat and picked one out blindly? If I’m disappointed in my result I know it’s not the right idea. 
3.  What if I close my eyes and visualize all aspects of the idea and excecution of the idea?

 Obstacle 2 – My idea delves too deep into my psyche. 

1.  What if I imagine being a third party looking in on the fear? 
2.  What if I use my more logical mind to analyze the idea? 
3.  What if I take five steps beyond the deep and look back to see if I still think it’s too far? 

Obstacle 3 – My idea will take more time than I have left. 

1. What if I remove the clock from the room? 
2.  What if I designate a strict time of day to dedicate to just the fear project and nothing else? 
3.  What if I take a break and just sit there thinking about it without doing it? Make a mind map? 

Obstacle 4 – I will fail no matter how much effort I put into it.

1.  What if I read inspiring stories of successful failures?
2.  What if I pretend I’m a character in a book? No matter how elaborate the scenario, the heroine always succeeds in a book. 
3. What if I write down a time I failed and the results of that failure, including my emotions? 

Obstacle 5 – I will bring forth from the universe the result I fear most.

1.  What if I pretend I’m in multiple dimensions where one is a guaranteed success?
2.  What if I visualize the result I crave? 
3.  What if I tell the universe fuck off?