Fear

My Fear

I started my fear project concept thinking about my fear of the future. I mostly was afraid of what my career prospects were once I graduated. And while my project still applies to this anxiety, my focus morphed a bit. As I have stated in previous posts, my dad was put on life support and remained there for 8 days. We were told he had a 50/50 chance of coming home. This changed my focus in this fear assignment. I was afraid of loosing my dad. I have told my parents that they'd have to live forever because I refuse to accept that they will die someday. My dad is stubborn and likes to scare me. That being said my dad will live. He might have some long term damage, but he's still with us.

My Project

I was trying to come up with a physical project to manifest my fear. I remembered the poem by Walt Whitman, On the Beach at Night.

I kept seeing the line "The ravening clouds shall not long be victorious."

It will get better, we shall weather the storm and be stronger for it. Life continues no matter how dark we think things are. And the darkness will only last a short time.

For my project I wanted to create something that I could wear all the time to remind myself to not dwell in the negative. I read that line out loud, and printed the sound wave of my voice. I cut the sound wave into a strip of clay that was baked into a cuff bracelet shape. 

Instead of having a string tied around my wrist to remind myself, I have a beautiful cuff bracelet. 

The final result is not as I would have wanted. It's too big. But it is still beautiful. I shall be making a smaller one that I could really wear this weekend. 

1. Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? 

My fear is more of an anxiety.

2. In what ways to you notice fear in your life?

I notice fear in my daily life when I start to have self-doubt and I have a hard time making decisions.  I’m very indecisive because I can imagine all kinds of scenarios both good and bad.

3. What does fear keep you from experiencing?

My fears limit my interactions with others because I’m afraid I’m not worthy of friendship. I’m missing out on interesting opportunities because I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions.  

 4. What is the use of fear in your life?

I try to use it as a motivator. If I’m better, if I try harder, if I work more efficiently, if I am a better person, my fears will be for naught. I will have outwitted the demons that haunt me and I will have success.

5. How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity?

My fears effect my social life because I’m afraid of making a fool of myself or proving my inadequacies instead of merely feeling them. I’m my creativity, I think my fear is a positive. I’m able focus that feeling of inadequacies in order to make sure I’m confident in my work before I submit it. I don’t want to show a client, teacher, or peer something that I don’t feel is at least good. I’m afraid of that judgement and to avoid it I will work my tail off to find a new spin. I also want to take my fear of not adding up and it pushes me to “compete” with those around me. If my project is better than yours, I will not be judged so harshly.

6. What form does your fear take?

My fear manifests in a way that I envision worse case scenarios. It raises my blood pressure and propels me to do more…or to freeze up and stand alone.

7. How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it?

I think it makes me put my fear into perspective. If I can look at it from a standpoint of status, I can maybe put into perspective. Maybe I can minimize the fear by looking at it objectively. Trying to look in as a third person perspective I might be able to minimize the anxiety and maybe function more like a normal human being.