Second to Last Take Away

I find that I take a lot of notes during class. I have a horrible memory and by the time I get home, I have forgotten what I wanted to write in my take away. I took 6 ½ pages of notes today. I know I look down at my notebook to take notes, and I hope no one thinks I being rude or not paying attention to what anyone is saying. That being said, I noticed that there were a lot of people not paying attention to the presentations today. I find it rude that people would rather talk to each other, play on their phones, read a book, or work on homework while others were presenting their fear. I wonder why some seem to think it is not important to listen to their peers when they are presenting a project. I worry about this generation at times.

As For Today’s Fears

“If I’m not in total control, I lose my shit.”

How awesome was that one liner? I have been accused to be a control freak with OCD. I like things to be done correctly the first time and I don’t trust others to do it right. That being said, I do enjoy being surprised. As for Tory’s presentation, I loved the tornado she made. I was impressed that she had her family complete one also. To seal the things they can’t control within the tornado seemed to be a very therapeutic motion. Good on you, Victoria.

Freedom

I made a comment about the projection of fears tinting how we think others think about us and I stand by that comment. We all seem to think that other people judge us and find us lacking. But we have to remember that EVERYONE has insecurities and, most of the time, don’t think twice about us. It also can be explained by Daniel’s presentation last week, the way others react to us often is more about their own fears than about us.

Self-Discovery

Kennedy spoke about her self-discovery. I had to think about this a bit. I’m going to draw from my science background for this one. In any science field, when one makes a new discovery, the first thing we do is label it. What are we going to call it? What categories does it fit in? Is it plant, animal, mineral? Is it warm blooded or cold blooded? Is it a land, air, or sea creature? And the categorizing continues. These are all labels we assign to this new thing.

The same is done when we meet someone for the first time, we categorize them. Is this person a male or female? Tall or short? Nice or grumpy? Like me or not like me? Outgoing or shy? And the labeling continues until we have an understanding of who this new person is. If we only allow others to know the answer to one question, that is the only label we get. The more we allow others to know about us, the more complete the categorization process, the clearer picture we get about how that person fits in our lives.

On the flip side, because we fear the judgement and the potential pain this new person will inflict in our lives, we limit the amount of information we give them. We are judging them either worthy or unworthy of our true selves.  We make snap decisions about if someone is worthy of categorizing us based on first impressions. A lot of time we don’t take into account what is going on in their lives. We might think, “They are a jerk, I don’t want to give him/her a chance to know me and judge me.” But we don’t take into account that there might have been an event in their lives that put them in a retrospective mood that day. They might have been yelled at by a customer or co-worker for something that wasn’t their fault and are needing to step back to protect themselves from more hurt. Snap judgements….

Putting Forth the Effort

I was impressed by Kyle’s (with a C) effort. I think he truly understood the project and got a lot out of it. I made quite a few notes from his presentation. I liked that he recognized the first day that he knew his isolation from family and friends was only temporary so it didn’t feel real. That didn’t mean he didn’t have profound revelations during his project. He questioned if being with people defined who he was or if it was a result of who he was. He recognized that he could deal with sadness but not with frustration. He said he had higher anxiety about everyday things because he wasn’t able to share them with others. He said sometimes he was afraid because he felt like he should be afraid. He said he used a lot of escapes to make things less important. He said that no matter who he’s with or what he’s doing, there is always a reason to continue. He said light surrounds you even when you are trapped.

He said a lot of great things.

Finally Notes

When Jacob asked if we knew who he was and what he did, I realized it never thought about researching who was teaching me. Why haven’t I done this? I’m trusting my professors to teach me what I need to know to be a successful member of society. I should have been researching my professors long before now.

Take the Fear (and Apathy) Away

First off,

 I was very disappointed in this class. I was disappointed in the fact that this was just a regular class. All semester we have been talking about how the fear assignment was going to span multiple days, but instead it was rushed to get through as many people as possible. We were told those who wanted to go first would go first, those who wanted to go last would go last. Instead, we went around the circle like a normal class and it felt like just another assignment.

Secondly, 

it felt like a lot of the class treated this as just another assignment. There were a lot of “presentations” where there was not a tangible item or true presentation. It was just talking.

That being said,

 I did enjoy the presentations that had thought and work to it.

I found Alexander’s mask presentation interesting in that I would have found it easier being in a mask. My favorite job was working in a planetarium. I was in the dark and no one saw me, they just heard my voice. I have never had an easy time talking in front of people, but I LOVED leading planetarium shows especially with a full audience. But no one could see me so it was ok.

Daniel’s presentation about letting other people’s fears affect us was pretty interesting. I think we (and by we I mostly mean me…) don’t look past the action to find the cause of the action. But like Jacob said, bullying is a major action that is driven by fear. Instead of addressing the fear we address the action. Now there are people who are just mean.

I really enjoyed Jessica’s presentation and the idea behind her photoshoot. I, too, have been called a control freak (though I don’t think she used that phrase) and have a hard time relinquishing control. It’s hard when you know what you want and how you would do it, then watch others proceed differently with results that are not what you want. I especially liked that she did not see the result until class time. That was inspired.

Eric’s song was great. I was thinking about singing before my family implosion. I love to sing but I recently heard a recording of my voice and I realized I sound horrendous. I was going to address my fear of judgement by doing what I love yet know I suck at.

Ashley’s drawing was fantastic. It was fantastic because I feel the same way… I know I’m not a great drawer and I’m going to be disappointed in my effort, and won’t meet my personal high expectations. I need to take a page from Ashley and just do it.

I felt so bad for Brooke and her fear of her migraines. I only get migraines once every other month (usually) and I know my triggers. I know wine and the smell of artificial cinnamon will lead to excruciating pain. But to be limited in what I can do because it might trigger pain would be awful. I hope she finds relief soon :(

I was also disappointed in my project. I love the idea behind it. I just am sad that it turned out so big. I will be redoing it this summer and revising it so I can make a bracelet that I can actually wear. The one I made was so big it falls off my arm. I might be a big girl but I have delicate wrists.

I’m tired now and I’m calling this post quits.

Stay excellent my friends.

Fear

My Fear

I started my fear project concept thinking about my fear of the future. I mostly was afraid of what my career prospects were once I graduated. And while my project still applies to this anxiety, my focus morphed a bit. As I have stated in previous posts, my dad was put on life support and remained there for 8 days. We were told he had a 50/50 chance of coming home. This changed my focus in this fear assignment. I was afraid of loosing my dad. I have told my parents that they'd have to live forever because I refuse to accept that they will die someday. My dad is stubborn and likes to scare me. That being said my dad will live. He might have some long term damage, but he's still with us.

My Project

I was trying to come up with a physical project to manifest my fear. I remembered the poem by Walt Whitman, On the Beach at Night.

I kept seeing the line "The ravening clouds shall not long be victorious."

It will get better, we shall weather the storm and be stronger for it. Life continues no matter how dark we think things are. And the darkness will only last a short time.

For my project I wanted to create something that I could wear all the time to remind myself to not dwell in the negative. I read that line out loud, and printed the sound wave of my voice. I cut the sound wave into a strip of clay that was baked into a cuff bracelet shape. 

Instead of having a string tied around my wrist to remind myself, I have a beautiful cuff bracelet. 

The final result is not as I would have wanted. It's too big. But it is still beautiful. I shall be making a smaller one that I could really wear this weekend. 

1. Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? 

My fear is more of an anxiety.

2. In what ways to you notice fear in your life?

I notice fear in my daily life when I start to have self-doubt and I have a hard time making decisions.  I’m very indecisive because I can imagine all kinds of scenarios both good and bad.

3. What does fear keep you from experiencing?

My fears limit my interactions with others because I’m afraid I’m not worthy of friendship. I’m missing out on interesting opportunities because I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions.  

 4. What is the use of fear in your life?

I try to use it as a motivator. If I’m better, if I try harder, if I work more efficiently, if I am a better person, my fears will be for naught. I will have outwitted the demons that haunt me and I will have success.

5. How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity?

My fears effect my social life because I’m afraid of making a fool of myself or proving my inadequacies instead of merely feeling them. I’m my creativity, I think my fear is a positive. I’m able focus that feeling of inadequacies in order to make sure I’m confident in my work before I submit it. I don’t want to show a client, teacher, or peer something that I don’t feel is at least good. I’m afraid of that judgement and to avoid it I will work my tail off to find a new spin. I also want to take my fear of not adding up and it pushes me to “compete” with those around me. If my project is better than yours, I will not be judged so harshly.

6. What form does your fear take?

My fear manifests in a way that I envision worse case scenarios. It raises my blood pressure and propels me to do more…or to freeze up and stand alone.

7. How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it?

I think it makes me put my fear into perspective. If I can look at it from a standpoint of status, I can maybe put into perspective. Maybe I can minimize the fear by looking at it objectively. Trying to look in as a third person perspective I might be able to minimize the anxiety and maybe function more like a normal human being.

Finding Bliss

Obstacle 1 - My idea is stupid, not good enough, bad, or whatever adjective I want to use that day.

1.  What if I wrote the ideas down and put them aside for 24 hours before proceeding on them? 
2.  What if I put 3 ideas in a hat and picked one out blindly? If I’m disappointed in my result I know it’s not the right idea. 
3.  What if I close my eyes and visualize all aspects of the idea and excecution of the idea?

 Obstacle 2 – My idea delves too deep into my psyche. 

1.  What if I imagine being a third party looking in on the fear? 
2.  What if I use my more logical mind to analyze the idea? 
3.  What if I take five steps beyond the deep and look back to see if I still think it’s too far? 

Obstacle 3 – My idea will take more time than I have left. 

1. What if I remove the clock from the room? 
2.  What if I designate a strict time of day to dedicate to just the fear project and nothing else? 
3.  What if I take a break and just sit there thinking about it without doing it? Make a mind map? 

Obstacle 4 – I will fail no matter how much effort I put into it.

1.  What if I read inspiring stories of successful failures?
2.  What if I pretend I’m a character in a book? No matter how elaborate the scenario, the heroine always succeeds in a book. 
3. What if I write down a time I failed and the results of that failure, including my emotions? 

Obstacle 5 – I will bring forth from the universe the result I fear most.

1.  What if I pretend I’m in multiple dimensions where one is a guaranteed success?
2.  What if I visualize the result I crave? 
3.  What if I tell the universe fuck off?

A Good Place

Today I’m in a really good place. My dad is no longer on life support and is improving! I had to share that because I am so excited to see his eyes and his smile.

That being said I need to limit what I find interesting… and it is

SOLAR FREAKIN’ ROADWAYS!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlTA3rnpgzU

Has anyone seen these? I know there are technical and economical issues with the idea, but wouldn’t it be cool if something like this could work? I have to write a paper for a stupid English class I have to take and my chosen topic is how current energy sources are poisoning us and our environment. I propose that we need to invest in clean energy like solar, wind, and hydro powers. If solar roadways was possible it would make for an awesome clean energy. I don’t think solar roadways would be viable in all environments but it could make a great idea for some of the sunnier states.

Anyway, I’m a happy girl and feeling very optimistic about life. So have a fantastic day and stay excellent.  

Calgon Take Me Away

Please!

I have decided that I need a vacation.

I was going to write about the class for my class takeaway...but then my dad ended up in ICU last night and was put on life support. This has made me forget almost everything about class. All I can think about right now is that I have so many blessings in my life, and the biggest one is my amazing parents. I guess this kind of lays in parallel to one thing we talked about yesterday. It also mimics the fear assignment because I almost lost my dad today.

The ICU doctor told us he had two organ failures and possible third. He said that when a patient has two failures the survival rate was 50%. When you add a third, it drops down to a 25% survival rate. He was not encouraging. But my dad is not one to take things lying down. He has rebounded faster than the nurse has ever seen in 20 years of nursing.

My parents are my heroes. Mom has been battling cancer for ten years and has been a pillar of strength. My dad has had a series of hardships, including a car accident that broke his back and should have paralyzed him as well as this most recent scare. And yet they chose to look on the bright side and live each day to the fullest. They don't make excuses for why they can't do something. They just do it and move on. I'm lucky to have such amazing parents, such amazing roll models, such amazing heroes.

I'm sorry this wasn't a reflection about class. Instead it's a reflection on my amazing parents.